A Gentleman Doesn't Kiss And Tell
by footshooter
Summary: Steve and Natasha are good friends, and good friends help each other out in any way possible... Romcom? Maybe. I dunno. This is just an idea I have stuck in my head and can't get out. All Avengers will feature, plus Pepper, Fury, Loki, Jane, Darcy. I'll update as and when I can. Rated T for some vulgar-ness. If you have a delicate stomach, probably best to give this a wide berth.
1. Period

**_a/n: _hey guys. I'm in love with these two atm. Dunno why. Possibly my excitement for the Winter Soldier. I dunno. Either way, this could get a little crude in places so if you're worried about sexual references/periods/vomiting don't read on because it won't be fun for ya. I basically wrote this on the back of a joke me and my lad had going in the car about Natasha and Steve faking a relationship to wind up Tony. I decided to post it coz I can't sleep since I myself have thrown up about 30 times today and slept in between bouts. So, y'know, why not. Plus there's not enough StevexTasha fluff out there either, this doesn't seem to be everyones favourite partnership. But I love them. Hope you enjoy it. -_fs_**

* * *

Steve was silently panicking. Because Natasha Romanoff was sitting at the kitchen table. And she was crying. And he didn't know what the hell to do.

"Ah, Natasha? Are you okay?"  
"Do I _look_ okay, Steve?" she replied, through sobs.  
"No. No you don't. What's wrong?"  
"Cramp."  
"What like, when you've been running?"  
"No, like when you're on your period."

Steve would be ashamed to admit that he blushed. But he did.

"Oh."  
"Oh indeed."

Natasha went back to crying, and Steve went back to silently panicking. He excused himself from the room, and dialled Tony's number.

"Tony, I need your help."  
"_Forgotten how to use your phone again, Spangles?_"  
"Natasha's crying."  
"_Huh?_"  
"Yeah. I dunno what to do."  
"_What happened?_"  
"Women's problems."

Tony sighed at the other end of the phone.

_"Okay, so you need painkillers._"  
"Where are they?"  
"_Bathroom."  
_"Which?"  
_"Any! In the cabinet."  
_"I can't see any."  
_"Look harder. And maybe find a hot water bottle."  
_"Find one where?"  
"_Christ knows. Why you asking me?"  
_"It's your house!"  
_"Pepper moves stuff. You could always go down on her."  
_"Okay. I don't know what that is."  
_"Google it."  
_"I don't know how to do that either."  
_"Just suggest it. Look, I gotta go. I'll see you later."_

Steve sighed as Tony hung up the phone, wondering to himself what the hell friends were for if not to help with this shit.

He walked back into the kitchen.

"Tasha, where are the painkillers."  
"I took some."  
"Oh. Did they help?"  
"No."  
"Oh." He frowned. "Uh, do we have a hot water bottle?"  
"I dunno."

He steeled himself.

"I could… Ah… Go down on you? If you liked?"

Natasha looked up from the table at him for a couple of seconds, blinking. And then she burst out laughing.

"Well laughing is better than crying."  
"Steve, do you even know what that is?"  
"Ah, no. Not really."  
"Well it involves your tongue and my vagina."  
"Oh."

She giggled again.

"But if you're offering…"  
"Ah… I… Ugh."

She laughed, properly. For a long time. And then hugged him.

"Aw, Steve. I feel better already. You're such a cutie."

…

Tony walked into the living room connecting to the kitchen later with a couple bags of takeaway to see Cap and Natasha lying on the sofa. Spooning. Watching a film. He stopped dead, looking to Cap, who shook his head, placing his finger over his lips and nodding down at Natasha.

"What the hell is going on?"  
"We couldn't find the hot water bottle so we improvised."  
"With your arm?"  
"She says I'm pretty hot."

Tony gaped at Steve for a couple seconds. And then composed himself.

"Didn't I tell you to go down on her?"

One of Natasha's eyes opened and stared at Tony.

"Who says he didn't?"

Tony stared at them both as Cap blushed again.

"Steve? Did you?"  
"Gentleman doesn't kiss and tell."  
"Oh come on."

Steve shook his head, and Natasha closed her eyes and turned, rolling into his chest. Tony rolled his eyes and sighed.

"Alright, but we're eating in 5 so you both better stop this sickening PDA and get off your asses."

Steve laughed as he felt Natasha smile into his chest.


	2. Batman

Steve and Natasha spend a lot of time driving. Or at least Steve does; Natasha usually content to sit in the passenger seat, usually eating, usually singing. Steve sings along to the radio too; they pick up the words to songs and dance along as they glide through the traffic. Active surveillance. Some sort of dodgy operative Fury wants them to watch out for in the stranger part of town. And what is less suspicious than two people in a shitty car singing and shielding their eyes from the world with sunglasses?

Tony's obsessed that their closeness is some sort of game. Clint brushed it off, stating Fury was just sending them on assignments because Steve needed something to do and Natasha was actually pretty good company. Tony asked Fury, and Fury told him that of course he'd send his two best agents out on something like this, that Clint had other things to be doing for him, that they'd proven they could work together pretty well and that Tony should keep his stupid suspicions to himself and stop bothering everyone else with them.

Tony told Bruce, and Bruce sighed and stated he didn't really care. Pepper told him to keep out of everyone else's business. And like hell could he get through to Thor, the one man with the time and patience to indulge in gossip.

Natasha and Steve got home that night, both singing some jangly song from the radio and laughing together. Tony coughed, standing in the shadows, appearing like some sort of Bond villain. He hoped to be at least disturbing. All they did was laugh.

"Okay, what's going on with you guys?"

Steve smiled, throwing an arm around Natasha's shoulders.

"What d'ya mean, Tony?"

Tony narrowed his eyes.

"You know exactly what I mean?"

Natasha laughed.

"Oh, come on, Stark. Surely you have better things to do with your time?"

Tony's retort was interrupted by Pepper breezing in behind them and smiling warmly at Natasha and Steve. Her smile faltered slightly when she spotted Tony lurking in the shadows.

"Tony, why are you creeping?"

Steve smiled.

"I think he's trying to be Batman."  
"I think he's jealous Batman's a better hero than him."

Pepper laughed at Natasha's joke, and rolled her eyes. Tony spluttered.

"Hey, no way. I'm way better. My tech's better. My house is better. My life is better. I even have a better voice."  
"Yeah, all high pitched and whiny," Steve said. His stupid smile made Tony want to have a piss fit. He narrowed his eyes again and lowered his voice to growl,  
"I'm Iron Man!"

Pepper, Steve and Natasha all dissolved into hysterics. Tony didn't know whether this was a good or bad thing, but he knew owed them for at least getting him off the hook with Pepper, knowing if no one had spoken she'd have guessed what he was doing and would have yelled at him by now. Pepper smiled at them, wiping her eyes.

"Dinner's at 7, guys."  
"Okay, cool."

Pepper's phone beeped and she looked down at it while they were walking away. This conveniently meant only Tony saw Natasha's hand drop lower down Caps back while they walked away. It didn't stop him pointing and staring at Pepper until she looked up.

"DID YOU SEE THAT?"  
"What, Tony?"  
"There is definitely something going on there."

Pepper rolled her eyes, and kissed Tony.

"Oh, honey. Give it up. No one else sees it. Now come on. I promised I'd make dinner for everyone and these heels are killing me. Could you carry my bag upstairs?"

Tony took the bag without a word, desperate to prove to at least _someone_ that he was correct.


	3. Thor In Midgard Problems

Natasha was sitting at the breakfast table, trying to explain to a clueless Thor why Jane wasn't picking up his calls. Unfortunately for Thor, the rest of the Avengers were in the room together.

"Okay, sit down. We've got a couple of things to run through about relationships and women on this planet."  
"Midgardian women are much like Asgardian women."  
"Well, okay. Then you're clueless in both worlds."

Natasha sighed, wondering why she actually bothered with this shit. Tony was staring at them, not even trying to conceal it. Clint was pretending to watch the news. Steve was pretending to read a paper, but she could feel his eyes on her. At least Bruce seemed genuinely interested in what he was reading. She didn't even have Pepper to back her up.

"Okay. Firstly, people down here have jobs. Jane works for a living. You can't just turn up and demand her time."

Thor pouted.

"But-"  
"No buts. Secondly, you have to stop being late for dates. If you arrange a time, be there."  
"But Loki showed up and-"  
"And we can handle Loki. He's fine. He's over his dramatic world domination business and he's happy to spend time with us. Aren't you Loki?"

Loki had literally walked into the room that second, and paused at hearing his name, narrowing his eyes.

"Yes?"  
"Good boy."  
"He was deliberately ruining my date."  
"Okay, the first time I can get you being late. The rest of the times he was just winding you up. We found him in a closet after every vanishing act."  
"After you'd destroyed half my house with a hammer," Tony muttered.  
"Yeah, you need to stop hitting things with the hammer too, but we'll get to that after relationship counselling."

Loki pulled up a seat, gleefully staring from Natasha to Thor.

"You're attempting to teach my brother social etiquette? Oh, you are a brave woman."  
"On the subject, Loki, we're going to agree to stop cock-blocking your brother."

"My brother has not stood in front of me with a chicken?" Thor said, brows furrowed and a baffled expression on his face as the rest of the Avengers stifled laughter.  
"Yeah, okay. Rephrase. Loki, stop sabotaging Thor's dates. All it ends in is a woman crying down the phone to me about how life is unfair and I'm really fed up of that."

Loki pouted.

"Okay."  
"Good. So no more late dates, okay Thor?"

Thor nodded.

"Finally, you need to… ah… well… if you're going out for a meal in a restaurant, you need to make an attempt to fit in. When you show up dressed like you, people either stare or laugh. Or leave, thinking your brother is about to lead a line of aliens in or the sky's gonna be filled with crazy shit. It doesn't make for a good atmosphere."  
"But this is how I dress. Jane has not complained."  
"Yeah, well, she has to me. And you need to shave, Thor. The beard is curling over, and it's disgusting."  
"I said that weeks ago."  
"Thanks, Loki. But your input just causes fights. Mine will be listened to. And if it isn't, I'll cut it myself."

Thor looked shocked.

"So what do I do with my clothes?"  
"We'll go shopping."

Natasha looked up, and across at Steve.

"And when we do, Rogers, you're coming with us."  
"Huh?"  
"I've seen your wardrobe. Its wall to wall chinos, and that isn't cool."  
"I like chinos?"  
"Yeah, well, we need some jeans or something. And some colours that aren't neutral. It's so _dull_. We'll go after breakfast."

Steve and Thor glanced at each other. Loki was smirking. And Tony was mouthing "see!" over at Clint, who was regarding Steve with a curious expression.

"Do I have time for a sandwich?"  
"Yes, Thor."

Thor beamed, and stood up, making to the fridge and pulling out some cheese, which he managed to crush to a pulp in his fist. Tony sighed,

"Ugh, Thor in Midgard problems strikes again."

Steve stood up.

"I'll cut the cheese, Thor."

Steve got a new block, discarding the old one into the bin and cutting a slice with the nearest knife. The rest of the block broke in half, and he sighed.

"Someone forget he's super-strong?"  
"Shut it, Tony."  
"Oh, hey, Red is quick on the defence. Sure something isn't going on here?"

Pepper walked into the kitchen and sensed the atmosphere, as well as Steve about to break another knife.

"What's going on?" she asked as she removed the knife from Steve's hand and started cutting the slices herself. Steve sat back down, looking over at Clint as he did to break his stare.  
"Nothing, honey."  
"Tony, you know what we agreed. No more fight starting."

Tony rolled his eyes as Pepper finished the sandwich.

"Who even eats cheese sandwiches at 9am?"  
"Point Break, who else?"

Thor beamed as Pepper handed over the sandwich.

"Cereal would probably do you better, Thor. You could do less damage."

Bruce looked up from his paper.

"Last time Thor opened a box of cereal I was finding Cheerios in the cushions two weeks later."  
"Fair point."  
"Welcome to a life of playing mother to a bunch of debliy, Pep."

Pepper laughed.

"I've been looking after Tony for long enough, it's just like welcoming new additions to the family…"

Natasha smirked.

…

Natasha made the mistake of allowing Thor first to choose what he liked. She should have just given him clothes. And she should have gotten his size, since he was splitting everything he got in to. Which was why she was glad she'd brought Loki along. To fix the ripped shirts.

She was browsing the rails while Steve was browsing and Loki was roaring with laughter at what Thor had chosen in the changing rooms. She pulled a dress from the railing and held it up against herself in a mirror, and Steve appeared beside her.

"That'd look good on you."  
"Those are chinos, Rogers."  
"Oh, but they're nice."

Natasha rolled her eyes, but before she could speak she heard a crash and looked up to see Loki lying in a stand and a shop assistant looking horrified.

"Oh for… What happened?"  
"He _pushed _me!"  
"He said I looked ridiculous!"

Natasha looked at Thor, wearing skinny jeans and a blue and pink Hawaiian shirt.

"Thor, you… Yeah. You do look ridiculous."

His face fell.

"Oh. I like it."

Natasha sighed, and Steve apologised to the assistant, promising they'd fix the mess.

"Loki, please clean this up."

Loki rolled his eyes, but nonetheless clicked his fingers and fixed the mess.

"Thor, let's find you some proper clothes."

Five minutes later and Thor and Loki were duelling in the middle of the shop. Clothes were flung everywhere. Natasha was standing outside. Steve was inside paying for a whole new wardrobe full of chinos and neutral shirts. Tony wandered past.

"Having trouble?"  
"What do you think?"

He popped his head inside, and retreated.

"Yeah, this is your mess. Have fun with it."

Natasha rolled her eyes and stamped back inside.

"RIGHT! You two, _enough_!"

Loki and Thor instantly stopped hitting each other and looked at her.

"Have you seen the mess you've made? This poor woman has had to stand by and watch you ruin her shop. Apologise, now!"

Thor and Loki both muttered apologies and stared at their feet. Loki clicked his fingers and the mess was gone.

"Now pay for your clothes, Thor so we can finally leave."

Thor and Loki took a basket load of stuff to the counter, where the woman gratefully put them through. Natasha stood, arms folded, and Steve sidled over to her. She glanced into the bag.

"Chinos. Full of chinos."

Steve smirked, and held up the dress she'd been looking at.

"For you?"

Natasha paused. Steve also pulled out a pair of jeans.

"This doesn't make up for the chinos."  
"A bit though?"  
"Maybe a bit. But only a tiny bit. And you have to wear them."  
"Agreed."  
"Can we go home?"  
"Yeah."  
"Thank god…"

Tony had seen the exchange with the dress, and was convinced Thor and Loki also would have done. He collared them when they were leaving. But according to them, neither had seen Natasha so much as looking at a dress, never mind Steve buying it for her.

"Agh, how are you two so preoccupied with each other? No wonder Jane's getting so pissy."

Tony flounced off.

"Are we preoccupied with each other?" Loki asked Thor, and Thor shook his head.  
"No, brother. We are just family."  
"We're not even family."

Thor grabbed Loki in a headlock.

"Of course we are."

Natasha appeared behind them.

"Home. If you two wreck anything else, I'll make it my personal mission to kill you both here and now."


	4. Illness

_**a/n: **_**graphic sickness, don't read this if you're uneasy with the queasy (heh, I amuse myself). Basically taken from real-life experience of some sorta gastro-sickness. 12 hours is too long for this shit. My throat is still burning to this day. Give me 5 and I'll update the next chapter. That way, people can't complain if they wanna skip the sick (I'm on a roll...)**

* * *

Natasha got ill after Pepper managed to bring a bug into the house from a conference and Tony managed to spread it to the rest of them. Bruce had gotten it first, transformed into the Hulk and cured himself, but not before Clint was hit, suffered it for a day, and puked on Thor. This was followed by Thor and Loki falling ill almost simultaneously, not realising what was happening since their immune systems weren't designed to cope with Midgardian illnesses and puking for far longer than the rest of the team. Natasha woke up one night at 3am and didn't quite manage to make it to the bathroom the first time. When she'd thrown up a further three, she stumbled back to the bedroom, shaking and wheezing, and almost threw up again in the process of cleaning up her mess.

Steve didn't sleep well. Any noise could make him jump to his feet, expecting an attack. When his phone buzzed on the table, he jumped a meter or so out of the mattress to his feet before he realised what it was.

"Damn technology," he muttered, as he picked his phone up. "Who the hell even texts at 3am?"

When he noticed it was from Natasha, he was concerned. When he read the message, he was moreso.

_Please come down._

Steve was at her door within minutes, half dressed and his stomach churning with worry. He stepped into her room ready for an attack and instead saw her crouched by her bed with a rag in her hand. She was pale and clammy, and she looked like she was shaking.

Steve walked over to Natasha and helped her to her feet.

"Hey, c'mon, lets get you to bed."  
"I need to clean up this mess."  
"I'll do that. C'mon."

They spent the rest of the night and the majority of the morning and afternoon in the bathroom with a pile of blankets, Steve alternating between holding her as she slept, rubbing her back, and holding her hair while her head was down the toilet. She kept apologising, he told her he'd seen worse.

When it got to the point of Natasha being incapable of bringing anything up while she heaved, Steve tried to make her eat some toast. She took a bite and threw that up too. He gave her some water, she had three sips and again, threw it back up. Steve started to worry, she assured him she'd be fine eventually.

She fell asleep around 2pm and woke up in his arms at four.

"Hey," he said.  
"Zdratsvoy," she replied.  
"How you feeling?"  
"Like my oesophagus is burning."  
"You were sick for almost half a day, it's to be expected. Probably."  
"Probably?"  
"I haven't been sick for a while. Bed?"  
"Mmm."

Steve picked her up and carried her to bed.

"You want anything."  
"Cheese sandwich."  
"Okay."  
"And coke. But flat."  
"Alright, I'll be back in 5."

Natasha lay in bed as she waited for him to come back, drifting in and out of sleep. She was aware she stank, even more aware that she should probably shower, but her legs were too shaky and all she could taste was vomit. She got up to brush her teeth, and Steve had come back by the time she was done.

"I should shower."  
"Eat first."

Natasha did as she was told, and then showered, and then crawled back into bed and turned off the lights.

"You want me to go?"  
"No."  
"Okay."

Steve got into bed with her, sliding his body up behind hers.

"I'm glad you're feeling better."  
"Me too. I just wish the rest of it would go."  
"I could always go down on you?"

Natasha laughed, and Steve joined in.

"Is that gonna become a running joke now every time something's wrong with me?"  
"Hey, maybe. Oh shit, Natasha, you're bleeding. We need surgeons to get that bullet out. Should I go down on you til they get here?"  
"'God, Tasha, you got hit by a giant alien spacecraft. I'll move it off ya but while we're waiting for the others, d'ya want me to go down on ya?'"  
"I don't sound like that."  
"Sure you do."  
"Can you imagine Tony's face?"  
"Oh, yeah."


	5. Snap

Natasha was making lunch when Steve finally cracked. He'd stood outside for five minutes before working up the courage to walk in, and even when he did, he expected to chicken out. But she shot him a smile and it sent a fire to his belly, and before either of them knew it he had her pinned against the counter, frowning up at him.

"Steve, what?"  
"I'm sorry Tasha. I know we're just winding up Tony, but I need to know what it's like. Just once."

He leant forwards to capture her lips, and she didn't pull back. After a while he realised what he was doing and stepped back, red faced and trying to ignore the fact he'd had a hard on pressing into her leg the entire time. She was staring at him, her eyes glazed and her face in a wonderful picture of confusion. He wiped the back of his hand over his lips and stuttered,

"I'm sorry. At least I know."

And then he fled out of the door, leaving her standing on her own staring at where he was. Where she stayed until heels alerted her to Pepper coming in and removing the over-boiling pan from the hob. She was staring at her insistently, and Natasha looked over.

"I saw the whole thing. Look, if he means anything to you, you should go get him. I promise I won't tell Tony."  
"I…"

Pepper folded her arms over her chest.

"Natasha, go."

And Natasha did.

…

It took a long time for her to find Steve. She looked in all of the places he usually went to no effect. Clint brushed past her in the hallway rather forcefully, but she didn't have time to ask him what his problem was. He'd probably been hiding in the vents and seen the whole thing. She couldn't help that. He shouldn't spy.

The last place she checked was the roof, a place filled with plants and a pool and so high up even the city's noise was like a whisper. Steve was sitting on the edge, staring out over New York. Natasha walked over and sat down beside him, and he jumped slightly.

"You need to be careful about getting that easily scared on the edge of a building."  
"Probably."  
"Look, Steve-"  
"Spare me it Natasha, please. I don't wanna hear you say how it won't work or I'm not right for you."  
"Who said I was going to say that?"

They sat in silence for a while.

"I can't deal with emotions. I had that beaten out of me. I didn't know what it was I felt about you. It's difficult for me. I've been trained as a killer, not a human being."  
"You got human in there."  
"I know, but it's hard to recognise when it comes peeking out. I don't know what I was expecting with you. You're perfect. A loveable, safe, all-American boy with perfect hair and muscles and a smile that lights up the whole room. I don't see why you'd look twice at me."

Steve took her hand.

"Because you're worth a lot more than you give yourself credit for. And, I think, well, I'd like to at least give it a go."  
"Okay."  
"Really?"

Natasha smiled, shyly.

"Sure, why not?"

Steve practically beamed, and leant in for a kiss. A flash snapped behind them and Tony was gleefully smirking, bouncing on his heels.

"PROOF! FINALLY PROOF!"  
"Stark, you don't know what you're dealing with. Give me the phone."  
"Ah-ah, Tasha. No way in hell are you getting this."

Steve tackled him to the ground while Natasha took the phone and stared at the picture.

"To be honest, that's quite a good one."

She sent it to herself before she deleted it from Tony's phone and handed it back to him. He looked crestfallen.

"Oh c'mon, guys. Cap, at least tell me whether you're still a virgin."

Natasha rolled her eyes as Steve blushed.

"Who said I was in the first place?"  
"Tony started that particular rumour."  
"He did? Well in that case I don't think you deserve to know."  
"Ya know Clint's gonna be mad."  
"He already is."  
"He's probably wrecking something."  
"You can afford to fix it."

Tony pouted, and then looked out at the skyline.

"Hey, it's a beautiful night. Should I get Pep up and have a pool party?"

Steve looked at Natasha and she smiled.

"Yeah, okay."  
"DOUBLE DATE!"  
"Tony, calm down."  
"No one else to invite. Everyone's vanished. So it will be. Oh, and I was thinking about getting Thor to bring Jane over for a party on Saturday night? How do you guys feel about that?"  
"That's cool. Let me go get a bikini, I'll find Pep on my way down."  
"Yeah, I need shorts too. Steve, do you even have any?"  
"Of course I do."  
"If they don't contain the American flag I'll be upset."  
"They don't."  
"Not even a star?"  
"Nope."  
"I have an American flag bikini from a mission one time."  
"Oh, you have to put that on. If Capsicle gets a hard on it'll be like, the highlight of my life."  
"For god's sake…"  
"Eedee nakhui, Stark."  
"I love you too, Tasha. Go get changed. I expect the bikini."

Natasha rolled her eyes and they all went downstairs to get changed and find Pepper.


	6. The Lab

"Tony, where's Thor?"  
"Huh?"  
"Both Thor and Loki are missing. Doesn't that worry you?"

Tony glanced up at Bruce from the machine he was tinkering with, Natasha perched on a desk over from Steve trying to teach him the basics of a laptop (something Tony's tantrums and Bruce's never ending patience had failed to manage).

"Oh, no. No. Thor took Loki home to ask his dad if he could join the warriors three. Or something like that. He seemed to find some great magic in the fact his team would then be called Thor and the warriors four."  
"Oh."

Natasha looked over at them.

"Doesn't that mean Loki coming face to face with the man who's throne he's stolen more times than I can count?"

Tony shrugged.

"He didn't seem too happy about the idea. To be honest, I think Thor was drunk. Loki couldn't quite seem to manage to wriggle out of his grasp. I expect a full on war brewing by this afternoon at the latest."

Steve frowned.

"How was Thor drunk already? It's only just gone 11am."  
"He's a god, he can do what the fuck he wants."  
"Yeah but what did he drink to get that drunk?"  
"I don't even want to know."

Tony looked over at Bruce.

"Y'know if you got drunk?"  
"Something I don't routinely do for fear of unleashing the Hulk, yes?"  
"You reckon if the Hulk was unleashed he'd be pissed?"  
"Angry pissed, yes. Drunk pissed, probably not."  
"We should try it."  
"No, Tony."  
"But-"  
"No, Tony."

They sat in silence for a little while longer, before Steve yelled "yes!" and Bruce, Tony and Natasha all jumped.

"Jesus, Nat. Stop giving the man hand-jobs in my lab!"

Steve looked confused.

"Huh?"  
"What did she do?"  
"She taught me how to use this thing. I just managed to type up a full mission report."  
"Well done, Steve."  
"Yeah, wow, well done Spangles. You've finally made it into the twenty-first century. Shame your virginity also has."  
"Number one, you don't know that for sure. Number two, it's nothing to be ashamed of."

Tony snorted.

"Ah, ignore him. He's just jealous I managed to teach you when he couldn't."

Bruce nodded.

"I'm quite jealous, to be fair."  
"See."  
"Pssh."

Natasha smirked.

"Why say words when a noise will suffice, eh Stark?"  
"Hey, you do it."  
"Huh?"  
"You're always saying noises at me."  
"Those 'noises' are Russian."  
"Yeah, you _say_ they're Russian. But who knows for sure?"

Bruce looked up.

"Me. I can speak Russian."  
"No one ever sticks up for me."  
"That's coz you're just out to start arguments."

A clap of thunder could be heard above them, and the sky darkened, followed by a large flash and a lot of rain. And then the sound of yelling coming from a few stories above.

"Speaking of arguments…" Tony said, sighing.  
"Who's going to stop them destroying the place?" Natasha asked.  
"Technically, it is Tony's house." Bruce said.  
"Realistically, it takes more than one of us to stop them when they get started." Steve muttered.  
"Unless Pep's around…" Tony said.  
"Is she?"  
"I don't think so."  
"Damn."

They all glanced at each other. And then collectively sighed and got to their feet when something heavy sounding smashed above their heads.

"Okay, we should all go," Natasha sighed, and the three men followed her out of the room.


	7. Exit, Pursued By A Bear

Thor brought Jane to the tower on the Thursday. When she walked in to greet everyone, Tony was punching Steve and Loki at the same time, and Natasha had Clint in a pretty impressive thigh grip. Thor beamed, bellowing, "Ah friends! I'm glad you are in such good spirits! This is Jane!" Tony shot both Loki and Steve away with his hand blasters, and they went skidding into separate tables. Natasha twisted Clint round and finally set him down, glaring daggers at everyone else. "Um, hi?" Jane said. "Bad time?" "Dude, I think we just walked in on a major league domestic." Everyone glanced at Darcy. "Thor, who's that?" "I'm Darcy. Jane's buddy." Clint struggled to his feet, glaring at Natasha. "Thor, its Thursday. Why is your girlfriend even here?" "Is it? I thought it was Saturday?" Pepper walked in with Bruce, glancing around at the mess. "Oh, so you've all stopped fighting. That's nice." She looked at Darcy. "You must be Jane, nice to meet you." Darcy shook her hand, but muttered, "No. I'm Darcy. Jane's friend." "Oh. So where's Jane?" Jane appeared from behind Thor. "Hi." "Nice to meet you both. Sorry you had to witness this." She looked around at everyone else. "We all gonna sit around the table and talk about this?" All of the Avengers groaned, glaring at each other. … "So Clint punched Tony because Tony said Steve was sleeping with Natasha. And then Natasha punched Clint because he punched Steve. Then Steve punched Clint

Thor brought Jane to the tower on the Thursday. When she walked in to greet everyone, Tony was punching Steve and Loki at the same time, and Natasha had Clint in a pretty impressive thigh grip. Thor beamed, bellowing,

"Ah friends! I'm glad you are in such good spirits! This is Jane!"

Tony shot both Loki and Steve away with his hand blasters, and they went skidding into separate tables. Natasha twisted Clint round and finally set him down, glaring daggers at everyone else.

"Um, hi?" Jane said. "Bad time?"  
"Dude, I think we just walked in on a major league domestic."

Everyone glanced at Darcy.

"Thor, who's that?"  
"I'm Darcy. Jane's buddy."

Clint struggled to his feet, glaring at Natasha.

"Thor, its Thursday. Why is your girlfriend even here?"  
"Is it? I thought it was Saturday?"

Pepper walked in with Bruce, glancing around at the mess.

"Oh, so you've all stopped fighting. That's nice."

She looked at Darcy.

"You must be Jane, nice to meet you."

Darcy shook her hand, but muttered, "No. I'm Darcy. Jane's friend."  
"Oh. So where's Jane?"

Jane appeared from behind Thor.

"Hi."  
"Nice to meet you both. Sorry you had to witness this."

She looked around at everyone else.

"We all gonna sit around the table and talk about this?"

All of the Avengers groaned, glaring at each other.

…

"So Clint punched Tony because Tony said Steve was sleeping with Natasha. And then Natasha punched Clint because he punched Steve. Then Steve punched Clint because he tried to punch Natasha. Then Loki got hit by a vase which Clint threw at Tony so punched Clint. And Steve tried to stop Tony throwing something back at Clint so Tony punched him and in the process of falling over managed to kick Loki in the face so ended up all attacking each other while Natasha tried to strangle Clint with her legs?"

Everyone glanced down at the table.

"Guys, you're a team. You can't keep behaving like this. Like children. Don't take everything everyone else says so personally. Just brush it off and walk away. Leave the room. Stop mentioning sex acts with Natasha. We're all adults. You're meant to be saving the world. How can you expect to do that when you're fighting amongst yourselves?"

Tony sniffed.

"Bruce, buddy, y'know Pep's way better at this counselling shit than you are?"  
"Tony, you know I'm not that kinda doctor."  
"Pepper isn't any kinda doctor."

Bruce rolled his eyes.

"Okay, thanks for that Tony. How about we all apologise to each other?"

Everyone tutted and started to complain at once that they'd sorted it with their fight, just Thor had to go and interrupt before they were done. Pepper waved her hands in the air.

"Okay, okay. No apologies. But you're all cleaning up your mess."

Everyone complained at once, apart from Steve, who looked upset.

"Guys, we do have guests."  
"Oh come on, Cap!" Tony said.  
"Steve, you traitor," Natasha muttered.  
Clint glared.

Loki rolled his eyes and clicked his fingers. All of the broken furniture and cutlery reformed and placed themselves down back where they belonged. Darcy stared at him, open mouthed.

"Oh my god, now that's a skill that could come in _very_ useful."

Loki smirked at her, and Jane rolled her eyes.

"Darcy, he destroyed New York."  
"And Tony very kindly fixed it," Loki replied.

Tony winked at him, and Darcy still hadn't closed her mouth.

"Darcy, it's weird. Stop it."  
"What, only you're allowed to be interested in gods? C'mon, he can't be all bad. He's with the Avengers now. Plus, he's practically your brother in law."  
"He's not my brother in law."  
"Would you like to stop talking about me as if I'm not in the room? Or would it be easier if I exited and re-entered?"

Loki smirked, and promptly vanished. Darcy looked awestruck.

"Hey Benedick? Unless you re-enter followed by a bear I'm not gonna be impressed."  
"Tony, it was exit pursued by a bear. And it was _The Winter's Tale_, not _Much Ado About Nothing_."  
"Didn't know you were into Shakespeare, Tasha. Although, then again, you do like your men kinda… old…"

Clint glared at Tony, and then at Steve. Steve threw his hands up in the air as if to say 'what the hell have I done?'. Natasha was last in line, and she glared right back, causing an awkward silence for at least three minutes. And which would have probably gone on far longer, had Loki not re-entered the room, followed by a bear.

"Finished discussing me?"  
"Bro, you left and we didn't say a word more."

Tony stood up and high-fived Loki.

"Classic bear. Classic."  
"Dude, you are _awesome_," Darcy said, her mouth dropping open once again, even though it had just closed.  
"Fancy a drink?"  
"Sure."

Pepper stood open mouthed as they wandered out of the door. Thor shook his head, smiling.

"Oh brother, what have you done?"

Pepper sighed.

"She doesn't even know what room she's in."  
"Loki's?"

Thor slapped Tony over the back of the head, affectionately.

"What? Oh c'mon, she can ask JARVIS. And they won't be out _that_ long. Hey, just think of the cock-blocking powers they could both possess if they combined their forces…"

Jane sighed.

"You heard about that?"  
"We're family. We hear about everything."  
"Apparently," Clint muttered.

Natasha was on top of him, slapping him before any of them could react. Steve picked her off him and carried her out of the room to calm her down. They sat in an awkward silence, Clint's black eye already blossoming, as Natasha's Russian curses and 'he's just driving me crazy!'s disappeared down the hallway.

"Hey, guys. We missed some genius…"  
"What, Tony?" Pepper asked, sighing.  
"Loki exited. And when he did, he was pursued by a bear."

Everyone but Clint laughed.

because he tried to punch Natasha. Then Loki got hit by a vase which Clint threw at Tony so punched Clint. And Steve tried to stop Tony throwing something back at Clint so Tony punched him and in the process of falling over managed to kick Loki in the face so ended up all attacking each other while Natasha tried to strangle Clint with her legs?" Everyone glanced down at the table. "Guys, you're a team. You can't keep behaving like this. Like children. Don't take everything everyone else says so personally. Just brush it off and walk away. Leave the room. Stop mentioning sex acts with Natasha. We're all adults. You're meant to be saving the world. How can you expect to do that when you're fighting amongst yourselves?" Tony sniffed. "Bruce, buddy, y'know Pep's way better at this counselling shit than you are?" "Tony, you know I'm not that kinda doctor." "Pepper isn't any kinda doctor." Bruce rolled his eyes. "Okay, thanks for that Tony. How about we all apologise to each other?" Everyone tutted and started to complain at once that they'd sorted it with their fight, just Thor had to go and interrupt before they were done. Pepper waved her hands in the air. "Okay, okay. No apologies. But you're all cleaning up your mess." Everyone complained at once, apart from Steve, who looked upset. "Guys, we do have guests." "Oh come on, Cap!" Tony said. "Steve, you traitor," Natasha muttered. Clint glared. Loki rolled his eyes and clicked his fingers. All of the broken furniture and cutlery reformed and placed themselves down back where they belonged. Darcy stared at him, open mouthed. "Oh my god, now that's a skill that could come in very useful." Loki smirked at her, and Jane rolled her eyes. "Darcy, he destroyed New York." "And Tony very kindly fixed it," Loki replied. Tony winked at him, and Darcy still hadn't closed her mouth. "Darcy, it's weird. Stop it." "What, only you're allowed to be interested in gods? C'mon, he can't be all bad. He's with the Avengers now. Plus, he's practically your brother in law." "He's not my brother in law." "Would you like to stop talking about me as if I'm not in the room? Or would it be easier if I exited and re-entered?" Loki smirked, and promptly vanished. Darcy looked awestruck. "Hey Benedick? Unless you re-enter followed by a bear I'm not gonna be impressed." "Tony, it was exit pursued by a bear. And it was The Winter's Tale, not Much Ado About Nothing." "Didn't know you were into Shakespeare, Tasha. Although, then again, you do like your men kinda… old…" Clint glared at Tony, and then at Steve. Steve threw his hands up in the air as if to say 'what the hell have I done?'. Natasha was last in line, and she glared right back, causing an awkward silence for at least three minutes. And which would have probably gone on far longer, had Loki not re-entered the room, followed by a bear. "Finished discussing me?" "Bro, you left and we didn't say a word more." Tony stood up and high-fived Loki. "Classic bear. Classic." "Dude, you are awesome," Darcy said, her mouth dropping open once again, even though it had just closed. "Fancy a drink?" "Sure." Pepper stood open mouthed as they wandered out of the door. Thor shook his head, smiling. "Oh brother, what have you done?" Pepper sighed. "She doesn't even know what room she's in." "Loki's?" Thor slapped Tony over the back of the head, affectionately. "What? Oh c'mon, she can ask JARVIS. And they won't be out that long. Hey, just think of the cock-blocking powers they could both possess if they combined their forces…" Jane sighed. "You heard about that?" "We're family. We hear about everything." "Apparently," Clint muttered. Natasha was on top of him, slapping him before any of them could react. Steve picked her off him and carried her out of the room to calm her down. They sat in an awkward silence, Clint's black eye already blossoming, as Natasha's Russian curses and 'he's just driving me crazy!'s disappeared down the hallway. "Hey, guys. We missed some genius…" "What, Tony?" Pepper asked, sighing. "Loki exited. And when he did, he was pursued by a bear." Everyone but Clint laughed.


	8. Massage

Steve and Natasha were sitting on the bed in her room. She flopped backwards, and Steve turned to watch her chest moving up and down under the shirt she wore.

"What should we do now?"

Natasha frowned.

"Explain things to Clint?"  
"I didn't mean involve Clint now. I meant us now."

Natasha sighed, shrugging.

"Maybe you should get some sleep?" Steve suggested.  
"Boring. Plus, I can barely sleep at night. I have no chance through the day."  
"Okay, well, we could get into bed at least. I'll give you a massage. Maybe help you relax?"

Natasha raised an eyebrow at Steve, and he blushed.

"What?"  
"Nothing. You just seem overly keen to get me into bed."  
"Well, I just thought-"  
"Do you want to sleep with me that badly?"  
"No. I mean yes. I mean… When we're both ready. Right now I'm offering a massage."  
"Okay."

Natasha rolled over so she was lying on her front.

"You're gonna need to take off your shirt, Nat."

She shrugged it off.

"And I'll have to unloosen this. Is that okay?"  
"Mhm."  
"Sure?"  
"Yeah, Steve. It's fine."

Steve unloosened her bra and moved the straps aside, trying to control himself as he massaged his hands into her back.

"Oh, that's good."  
"Yeah?"  
"Uh-huh."  
"Good."

Steve felt ridiculously pleased with himself as he felt the tension ease from her back and her relaxing against him.

And then her door opened and Clint walked in, stopping dead seeing the Cap on top of Natasha and narrowing his eyes. Natasha looked over her shoulder and sat up, dislodging Steve who fell to the side and took off his t shirt to protect her modesty, thrusting it towards her before Clint saw her breasts. He saw them though, and blushed, cock stirring.

"What the hell?"  
"For the love of God, Clint. It's a massage."

Clint sighed, Steve covered his crotch.

"I wanted to apologise for earlier. To both of you. This is none of my business."  
"Wow, someone finally worked it out."  
"Nat-"  
"Steve?"  
"Look, I am sorry. I just don't want to lose my partner. You're the closest thing to a best friend I have, Tasha. I don't want you stolen."  
"We live in the same building, debil."  
"I know. Irrational or what?"

Steve half smiled.

"We just wanted to keep things low-key. For now, anyway."

Clint nodded.

"Yeah, you haven't been too great at that."

Natasha shrugged.

"That's what happens in families though, right?"  
"Suppose. Fancy a game of cards? Unless you two were in the middle of something…"

Steve smiled.

"Go get everyone else. We should do some post-fight team-building."  
"With drink?"  
"But not too much or Tony will get upset at us ruining his party."  
"Not my fault Thor brought his girl home early."  
"We'll be right up. Order take-out!"

Clint nodded and left to gather the rest of the team, feeling a lot better about things. Steve turned to Natasha and shrugged.

"That was a lot less painless than I expected."  
"Yeah. You fancy re-doing my bra if you're done?"  
"Oh, ah, yeah. Sure."  
"You know, if we keep eating pizza we're gonna get fat."

Steve shrugged as he picked up her shirt from the floor.

"Want your shirt back?"

Natasha smirked.

"How about I keep this and you go get another one."  
"Thought my neutral shirts were boring?"  
"They are. Less boring on me though."  
"Cheeky."  
"Plus, take-out."  
"Fine, you can have it."


End file.
